Rejected. Insecure. Angry. Fearful. Lonely. Disappointed. Confused. Lost. Hurt. Betrayed. Jealous. Envious. Prideful. Arrogant and REBELLIOUS….
All of these words described how I felt and acted as a teenager. I felt disillusioned and disappointed at life.
As a young child I began my life trusting people, but as time passed my heart was subjected to the hurts and pains of this world caused by sin.
Divorce, division, disappointment, loss, lies, betrayal and hurt. I began to build a wall around my heart and eventually I didn’t trust anyone–not even God. I was convinced anyone I loved would either leave me or let me down. I had become a bitter and angry person who hid my hurts behind a mask of smiles and laughter but inside I was dying, desperate, lonely and lost.
I wanted the physical death I felt inside, and yet I would hide in a closet to cut myself to feel alive.
At 15 I was given an assignment to draw a picture of my life and this is what I drew:
A Broken heart held together with a band-aid to reveal my hurt and battered heart not knowing it was caused by the sin in my heart and the sin around me.
A Puzzle of Life with a missing piece to depict how I felt incomplete and knew something was missing in my life.
A Border of Question marks to describing how I didn’t understand my purpose in life and why I existed.
On the back I wrote a poem:
I felt no one understood this darkness, misery and sadness inside.
Growing up didn’t change the way I felt. The difference was how I tried to fill that missing piece.
Instead of cutting I tried to make myself feel alive by filling my emptiness with other things: alcohol, friendships, pleasing others, man’s love, college, money, a successful career, dream home, marriage, vacations, children….but nothing would take away that nagging feeling that something was missing and I still didn’t know my purpose in life.
By 33 years old my heart had become hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. My own un-confessed un-repented sin in my heart and the un-forgiven sin of others done to me.
But one day God sent a human messenger full of the Holy Spirit to share with me once again Who the missing piece was:
I found this pin a few months after I had been born again, and recently I found this assigned poem and drawing with my old journals.
It’s amazing that after all these years God would be so personal to allow me to find this pin that matches so perfectly the ‘missing piece’ I drew when I was 15. Jesus Christ was always the missing piece in my life.
The day I chose to place my faith in Jesus Christ I was taken out of darkness and put into God’s marvelous Light.
*The blood of Jesus Christ washed and cleansed me of all my past sins and I was given a clean new HEART no longer needing a band-aid to hold it together
*God satisfied that void and missing piece by filling me with His Holy Spirit, teaching me the ‘right way’ to live, reminding me I am His child and Jesus is the Way the Truth and the LIFE enabling me to repent of my sin and forgive the sin committed against me.
*I no longer QUESTION my purpose because I know my purpose: to glorify God by knowing Him and making Him known to others.
Today I still go into a closet…but this time it’s not to cut myself but to confess, repent and be cleansed daily so that my heart will not become hardened by the deceitfulness of sin…the sin I commit, or the sin committed against me.
The love of God compels me to share this with those who are hurting.
BeLoved, whether you are a teenager, young adult, or elderly…God loves you with an everlasting love and He wants a relationship with you through Jesus Christ.
Sin is hurtful and people are sinful and will always let us down no matter how close they are to us. We are all fallen and can never fill that empty piece we are searching to fulfill–the only One who can fill that void is Jesus Christ.
The missing piece. It wasn’t having perfect parents or a perfect life…the missing piece has always been Jesus Christ.
I’m thankful for God’s LOVE. Despite the circumstances in my life I no longer feel lost, lonely, bitter, or dead because I am alive together with Christ and I am now made complete. This gift is not only for me but for you too…
“For in Him (Christ) all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been made complete, and He is head over all rule and authority;” Colossians 2:9-10
God longs to be gracious to you….