I was giddy to have time alone with God, and was on my way out the door when my seven year old son asks if he could join me. I politely tell him, “Not this time.”
He pleads with me and I shamefully redirect his attention from investing time in our relationship to his inanimate toys.
I leave him. And I began to swat away convicting thoughts replacing them with a justifying one:
“I’m home all day with the kids and they see me all the time. I deserve this time…”
I was five minutes out, and I could no longer ignore or numb the conviction of the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart gently showing me I did not choose what was best. I repented of my selfishness and turned the car around to swoop up the son of my vow.
I felt as though I couldn’t get to my son fast enough and I was full of gratitude, thankful it wasn’t too late to undo my poor decision.
I ran to his room and see him tacking a note to the door. I got on my knees to look into his hurt eyes and speak to his rejected heart:
“I came back for you! God showed me I wasn’t choosing what was best…”
As I say these words I read the note he tacked to the door, which confirmed the urgency of my conviction and his bruised heart:
“I hate Mommy!”
My heart sinks and aches of this revelation and I see his embarrassed look of regret as he tries to tear off the note and I ‘cover‘ the note with one hand and gently place my other hand on his, and say:
“Oh this. Yes. I understand my son, Mommy is not perfect, and I did not choose wisely, do you forgive me?”
He nods, and hugs me tightly.
I shove the note into my pocket as a stone of remembrance to remind me not to miss out on future opportunities to sow God’s unfailing love. Holding hands we race to the car as giddy children of God, excited for the opportunity for our reconciled hearts to communicate over coffee, milk and cookies.
I tell my children about God every day. I tell them about His great love and how Jesus Christ laid down His life for the world, so that we can be reconciled to have an intimate relationship with God the Father. I tell them about the conviction of the Holy Spirit, how He will guide us into all Truth helping us to trust and obey God’s Word. I tell them how Jesus Christ is alive in me.
Yes I SPEAK of God’s love often and God gives me ample opportunities to SHOW my children this type of love…of laying down of my own selfish desires to listen to their hearts. If you could see more than a snapshot of my life you would see I have missed many opportunities.
For our flesh, to love is easier said than shown–but not for God, God IS love! The same Holy Spirit dwelling in Jesus Christ dwells in me so the Truth is I have what it takes to love the way God has called me to love.
I’m thankful for God’s grace and forgiveness and for His Holy Spirit guiding me into all Truth, and I’m thankful we ‘get to’ show the Lord Jesus Christ to others:
“Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord.” Hebrews 12:14
May 1st, 2013 at 1:30 pm
I know the hate for me as a “bonus mom” will come. I know how heart broken I will be when it does…
Thank you for sharing this. I need direction!
May 1st, 2013 at 2:57 pm
You’re welcome 🙂 It’s been so beautiful to watch you step into the role of mom…just beautiful! I love you Kim!
May 2nd, 2013 at 10:32 am
Reblogged this on Christian Comfort & Conversation Cafe.
May 2nd, 2013 at 10:34 am
Children are a blessing from God, His gifts to us. I’m glad you listened to the Holy Spirit. God gives us guidance for His gift to us.
May 8th, 2013 at 11:50 pm
Amen Shenine! I’m thankful I listened to Him too!
May 3rd, 2013 at 9:46 pm
[…] I have written many posts about the ministry of Parenting and how God is teaching me how to raise my children in the way they should go, and how being a parent requires a lot of humility with sanctifying second chances. […]
May 7th, 2013 at 4:33 am
It took a lot of strength and courage for you to go back to your son. Well done on making things right the way you did. It’s such a pull isn’t it, between what we need, and what they need, and knowing what God wants for us to do (because time to ourselves and with God is so important in our role as moms too). I struggle with this all the time. It sounds like you’re doing a great job.
May 8th, 2013 at 11:52 pm
Oh yes…I’m glad there is no ‘cookie cutter’ response but we have a living God that tells us the way to go, the ‘best’ choice and we have the freedom to choose but are most blessed when its the ‘best’. Thank you for stopping by here, I enjoy your blog 😉